Well, I just tried to write this, but it went all screwy and deleted my entry. v.v

So I keep thinking about my life, and I keep asking myself the same question: "What am I doing with my life?" And keep hitting a brick wall with the answer of, "I have no idea."
I look back at myself, who I was only a few months ago. I suppose I was something of a Saint. Not on the outside. Not in my behaviors necessarily, but I was the best friend anyone could have asked for. I was trusted, I was respected, I was reliable, I ALWAYS put my friends before myself.. I was the girl who could make anyone smile on any day, even when her own life was shit. I took pride in who I was. I had morals. I had hopes and dreams. And now I've become something.. entirely different.
I want to say I'm sorry for all the people I've hurt and abandoned. But as Don says, apologies only go so far. I'm sure by now, it doesn't mean anything to anyone, and understandably so.
I have only a vague idea of what's gone wrong with my internal thought process that made me this way. I think I've finally realized that I don't understand myself. When one doesn't understand his or herself, how is one to understand others? The world around them? How to maneuver through this thing called life with any grace?
What makes it worse, is that I don't know how to start understanding myself. I don't know where to begin in mending broken friendships, or if it's even possible. I don't know how to restore my faith in that things will come out right eventually.
I've dug myself into a hole that seems too deep to climb out of. It's a matter of building steps from the wreckage in order to rebuild what I've burned to the ground.
It's strange.. because I'm now living my biggest fear. My most horrifying nightmare. Being in a situation where everything seems to be spiraling downhill. Things seem awkward now, even with those who used to be the closest of my friends. I constantly feel distant and unattatched, and I hate it.
I hope I can fix this mess..
[[Yours]][[Truly]]